Bringing up Baby
Just a couple of weekends ago, i was chit-chatting with a two of my girl-friends about our kids. We were all very similar in that we all came from SG, have only 1 kid and all the kids are roughly the same age (born in the same year) so it is quite natural for us to sometimes revolve our discussions around the kids we have. Anyway.. as we were just sharing updates about our toddlers and basically 'off-loading' (as moms do when they get a break away from being a "mom"), one of them (or was it both) said that I am very lucky because Kiddo is such a good girl and doesnt give much problems. I guess comments like that are not new because I have heard similar comments from relatives and friends, who may not have seen Kiddo much, but get alot of updates/photos etc of her from my FB. However, when i shared that Kiddo is not quite as 'good' or 'problems-free', my girl-friends didnt believe me.
No one believed that Kiddo had thrown tantrums and laid crying facedown on the floor and refused to budge, then get even more upset when her face/floor gets messy with tears and snort.
No one believed that Kiddo would get so cranky that she would ask for one thing and refused the same in exact same breath over and over, till you run out of options of what exactly she could have wanted, and then have her meltdown into a puddle of tears and snort.
No one believed that Kiddo can get so rigid with routines and people that if things don't fall in place according to how things are 'supposed' to be, she absolutely refused to do anything (again another puddle of tears and snort).
No one believed that Kiddo can whine incessantly about something that she wanted at the precise moment that we cant do anything about it (e.g. when i am driving on the car alone with her), till she worked herself up into a frenzy and i needed to find a place to stop the car to calm her down.
No one believed that Kiddo can get so worked up that she could cry till she throws up, sometimes intentionally.
By sharing all these things, i am not trying to show that Kiddo is a little "monster" (yes, there are moms going thru a much tougher time cos' their kids' behaviour are even more difficult) or that I have been trying to hide away her 'bad' points from people all these while. In fact, when she had the opportunity to throw one of such 'fits' infront of people, i pretty much react the same as i would do as if we were alone because i don't mind people seeing or knowing how she behaves.
Kiddo is not perfect and i guess no kid is. But i think the difference is why alot of people think Kiddo is "very good" compared to other children, is because i don't say or 'complain' very much about the stuff i have just shared. And the reason that i dont is because i dont see these issues as "problems" but very much things that children do go through in their process of growing up. Hence i dont dwell very much on them, nor do they cause me to feel upset or frustrated for more than the duration when such things happened (yes, i get frazzled nerves on days too).
I dont know if that type of mindset makes a big difference to how Kiddo develops but i think it certainly make a big difference to me because it allows me to feel in control of situations, to see the lighter side of parenting and alleviate some level of stress when dealing with a tantruming child. Probably some people would think it is easy for me to think like that because i know 'what to do' with children due to my professional work. I admit, yes, on days when Kiddo is being difficult, i find 'retreating' away from Mom-mode, into my professional work frame of mind helped. It meant i could shut off to a certain degree the emotional aspect and be more clinicial/rational in my approach to Kiddo, which in emotionally built-up situations, can be essential when trying to manage an out-of-control child. But, despite whatever experiences i have at work, it is still a different thing when that very out-of-control child who is screaming till she throws up, is your very own (and not someone else's).
There are times when i would be in my 'clinical-mode', sitting next to her as she tantrums, watching out for the moment to intervene and calm her down, and at the same time having doubts about myself, wondering if what i am doing is the right thing and feeling my blood pressure escalating (from frustration, anger, stress etc). But once that episode is over, when i managed to keep my cool and follow through with strategies that i hope will help in the long run, that's it. These situations are just tiny bleeps that has no impact on the fact that i feel tremendously blessed to have Kiddo because there are so many positives that can and ought to be celebrated.
I don't think that i am a fantastic mom or that Kiddo is an exceptional child. But i'd like to think that the relationship between us is something special and exceptional. I don't believe in the idea that some children are just difficult and just grow into difficult adults. I also dont believe that children would 'out-grow' their 'problems' on their own and these early years are just something we shut our eyes/ears to till they become better. I think this is the time for active parenting where one start laying foundations for tools that children can use to help themselves as they grow older. And to do that, it helps to be calm, be optimistic, be positive and be patient.
Of course, I dont have all the answers and strategies but i know i am not helpless either, because together, Kiddo and i, will find a way forward. I trust that she would let me know what she needs and with the bond that we've built, i would be able to understand what she means. At the end of the day, hopefully she will grow into her own little person happily and i can age gracefully with fewer white hairs and worry-wrinkles.
